Tired

Her eyes speak volumes.
Barely open, head nodding, so tired.
So so tired.
She smiles, jars herself awake once more,
To a world of stress and disillusionment,
And sleep that is refused at the door.
Can she not know, can she not see that she is no hummingbird?
Yet again she's up at two.
I worry.
No one should be this tired in a waking world,
Day after day,
Always moving,
Never resting,
Perhaps escaping but PLEASE, listen,
This cannot go on forever...
Her forehead creased with worry and years,
Her tears too have left ridges there.
Rest and joy are not futile things,
But how can I help to slow her down
When years have passed, and still the same?
At night her conversations fade
As her head drops slowly upon her shoulder.
If this is seen, she is asked to leave.
And early she rises, for a bit of fun,
With flowers, doggies, and a little sun.
I worry still.
Her eyes look sad, deep inside, and tired.
Yet again the morning comes,
A chance for change.
I hope...

A Rainbow

A rainbow speaks without a sound,
A land of all colors,
Touching sky and ground.
An intangible beacon of light and hope
That appears most often right after a storm.
A bit of magic in a normal world,
It comes and goes like the breath of life.
Temporary and immortal in one,
A sign of hope, of love divine.

"Happiness"

The only thing that really matters in life is being happy, so you have to figure out how to make that happen. (Unless you get happy by shooting unsuspecting people with paint balls or such, in which case please find a new happy fix!) The key word here is 'make'. Happiness is not something that's forced on you, nor is it something over which you have no control. It is a decision, a choice, and you can choose it at any time...even when it's difficult to see it through the fog. So find what makes you happy, what makes others happy, and what makes life itself happy, and you will find yourself and the meaning of it all. Well, I'm not sure about the meaning of it all part, but hey, it sounded good so let's go with it ;)

Sometimes

It is not my intention to bring anyone down on my blog, so I'll warn you that the subject matter is not pretty. It will not hurt my feelings in the least if you decide to skip this post and move on to my next one, a positive one. And I've learned that if you can end things on a positive note (like my next post and the end of this one!), then things will always look up. The sun is only that much brighter and more beautiful after a particularly dark night.

Over the past year and a half, I've posted 3 different poems like this...then taken them all down later :P I smile about it, because what else is there to do? But this one, I'm putting back up, just because it's the most current and sometimes, I just need to express my feelings. I've found that writing is a great outlet when there is no other outlet available, and it is better to get things out than to keep holding them inside. By looking them in the face, you can get past them and see what you have to do and how to make it all better. Relatively speaking, at least.


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"Sometimes"

Sometimes, I wished you would hit me.
Or her.
Anything to leave a mark, undeniable, a tribute to the pain.
Inside, my heart long broken,
My soul cries, but no one knows.
Or those that do say nothing.
I cry alone to face the silent pain.

Screams and words that kill,
Spit foaming, unseeing eyes;
This person I do not know
And soon he goes...but not forever.
Invisible scars run deep,
I've seen and felt their damage;
For her too you left no mark.
The tears, time lost, deep hurt and
Pain, these can always be explained away, but
They hurt as much as fire.

It is harder to face what you cannot see,
To heal yourself alone.
A child cries, for what she's seen and felt,
Both witness and little f*ck herself,
A worthless piece of shit with feelings
That have broken many times before.

To end this poem, I won't be harsh,
As no one is perfect in this world.
With time you've calmed,
Your heart has grown,
Yet still you sometimes lose control.
I know you try and care so much,
But it means nothing if you also strike the heart.
Words have the power to heal and love,
So please love yourself, love others, and trust.
Inside you have so much to give, so just let it go,
Whatever the 'it' is.

Be the Old Dog

An old dog pants, his eyes grow weary, his body aching. But dare a cat to brush his whiskers, he will react with strength renewed. It is never too late to live, to embrace joy and excitement, to fly.
The air fills with magic when love ignites; so too, with anger and fear it dances.
Two squirrels chase each others' tails, up the tree and down again, across the yard, fly through the grass, and STOP...then off again at last!
Whether in love or fear, it matters not: they are alive, and life flows inside and out, like a river forever moving on, like a wind that blows during a storm.
To freeze in place is a dark curse, as movement is what life needs to grow.
Inside your heart, inside your soul, the strength to move is waiting: find it!
Be the old dog who wakes to the chase, be that squirrel who runs with life's winds, be that horse who flies like time, though her feet never fully leave the ground.
Be that which to you matters most, but above all, be that who wakes to dance, sleeps to run, and lives to fly.
Be life, be joy, just be.

Ask the Wolf #2

Dear Ms. Wolf,
"I've fallen and I can't get up. Please help me. And what can I do to keep from falling again?"

Good question. Actually, falling is only a bad thing if we choose to see it as such. If you never try to push the boundaries or yourself, you'll never fall. And even with accidental falls, you can still gain something if you put aside society's norms and think for yourself. If you only reach for the stars, sooner or later you'll forget what's down below and lose your own foundation. And no one wants to be a hot air balloon forever rising up, up, up until it loses steam or overheats in the dazzling sunlight.
Just as you can rise up to find new paths, so too can you fall down and gain new perspectives. Or new knowledge, to help prevent an even bigger fall in the future. And 'up' is not only in the direction of the clouds. Sometimes, it takes a fall and an unexpected grounding in order to truly rise up.

Ask the Wolf #1

"What do you do when you have no one in the world to talk to? When even your family is unavailable for real talks: mom hysterical, dad angry, brother unwilling to listen, dog... Hmm, well, I guess the dog could actually listen, YES! But what do you do?"
You know what you do? You just smile and realize that this is your life and no one should be able to take it away from you. Life isn't supposed to hurt all the time, so if it's feeling like that, then something's wrong and you can and should fix it. And if family doesn't understand, then look within yourself for the strength to deal. Friends should support you and help you in kind, patient ways, not threaten you or respond with negative energy when you talk to them. And if your family is responding in this way, then do what you would do with friends like this: give them some breathing room and find other outlets. Even if it's just your dog or the great world of Nature. And for goodness sake, put on some good music and let your iPod (or boombox) take you to that happy place where all is good and life is a beautiful melody that begs you to sing with it. Now go find that place :)

Grocery Stores, Life, and Robin Williams

Nothing like going to the grocery store with your mom, especially when the friendly check-out lady randomly decides to ask what school you go to. "Oh, not in school right now," you say. "So you've already graduated from high school? (awkward pause, while she mulls over this impossibility) Wow, you seem like a little girl." "Ummm.....yep, I have, and thank you [I guess]." High school, hmm, I think I can vaguely remember... Ay, well, there's two ways to look at this. One, be upset that you don't fit the norm (ever) and wish that you could be normal for once, act your age for once, or else go back in time to when you were 18. Or two, realize that you are indeed acting your age and being yourself, even if it seems weird to others. And if you come off a bit youthful, well, there's nothing wrong with that. There's more than one way to be a grown-up (as Robin Williams and Adam Sandler can attest to). And note to self: next time I'm here, will wear disguise.

Life can be tough and try to bring you down, but don't ever let it. Keep your wits about you and try to look on the bright side and laugh at the little things. 'So you don't look/act/feel/smell/eat normal' or 'your jeans got ripped, you tripped and fell on a pine cone, and you forgot your new friend's name again'. So what? Does anyone even know what normal really is? If anything, I'm tempted to say that normal is actually 'being abnormal'. So if you're being normal, you're not really normal. Confusing? Heck yeah! So why worry about it? 'So you feel lost and don't know what to do next?' Does anyone? If anything, being lost is a great chance to start over and create new paths. I know it sucks to feel that way, but you won't be lost forever (at least I hope not, as I need to find myself and get outta this town soon, preferably before I go crazy ;). I'm confident that we all have everything we need for our journey inside of us, we just have to learn to listen, to figure out where we need to go. Easy to say, but hard to do, yes. But not impossible, we just have to separate the distractions from the things that really make life seem wonderful and light us up inside. But be aware: sometimes the distractions may be masquerading as the real deal, so you have to listen to your heart. I'm still trying to do this, and it's not easy, but just takes time I suppose.

And here's something else I wanna share with you guys: Sometimes, not fitting in anywhere gives you the rare ability to fit in everywhere.
Just think about it... (and it's true, from my experience)