To dance...

I know, yet do not know.
Feel deeply, yet do not feel.
Never relaxed, often numb,
Tasting bubble gum dreams in my mind.

I wish I could dance
Freely
Like I know I can:
A baby clown in sunglasses,
A lost 3-year-old dancing in the streets.

I wish I could dance again.
Feel.
Escape.
Be myself.

And then
Only then, will I be free...

“Hope” (inspired by the Inauguration of President Barack Obama, January 20, 2009)

Hope.
That love is the answer.
That peace will prevail.
That anger will soon fizzle out like a solitary match in a frictionless world.
That those we care for live, safely, joyously, purposefully.

Love.
By which the world is remade.
Through which we find ourselves.
For which we write poems, utter praises,
Live to face another day.

Courage.
To move on despite obstacles.
To feel more than what is prudent.
To fight for hope, love, freedom,
And a better understanding of our world...and ourselves.

Honesty.
To know when we are wrong.
To be truthful with ourselves.
To help loved ones rise above the past
By showing them the truth...even...if it hurts.

Integrity.
To not compromise our values.
To speak of things not spoken.
To help friends escape the bonds of love denied and friendship slighted
And not speak ill of those who denied it...even though we may have every right to do so.

Forgiveness.
Of all those who have wronged us.
Of all the wrongs we have nurtured.
Of our lack of courage,
Selfish love,
Trembling integrity,
And painful honesty,
For in forgiveness of our faults and unyielding will to move beyond our shortcomings
We find our true strength and the divine gift to humanity:
HOPE

Just a little note

So, I decided on a whim to create this blog and so far I've just posted some of my old poetry and writings, just to get em outta my system I guess! There will be new literary masterpieces forthcoming (or at least some thoughts worth thinking about) so I'm excited about that. But at this particular moment, I am exhausted and sounding like my old English teacher, which is never a good thing, so I bid you good night and sweet dreams. Haha, i never knew talking to myself would be this much fun, almost as much fun as singing back responses to people (instead of talking like a 'normal' person). I have yet to try that, but I might, maybe I'll make that a goal of mine for 2009! Seriously, the idea is sounding better by the second ;)

Excerpt from "Diary"

Thurs. May 11, 2006
Hi. It’s late. Or else I’m just really tired. But I think it actually is pretty late cuz I’m starting to get visions. Well, you know, just really strange double vision that gives these words a life of their own -- in the literal sense, because sometimes it seems that they’re in motion, fading in and out…ok, I admit it, maybe I should go to bed. But then again, it would be cool to have visions – the real kind, I mean, prophecies and the like. But while I’m thinking about it, how would you know if what you’re seeing is a vision/prophecy or just a type of hallucination/daydream or something of the sort, resulting from severe fatigue or sleep deprivation? I think I’ll sleep on that one.

Fri. May 12, 2006
Good morning! That’s a classic, it’s like the one phrase that everyone knows and uses --- and this holds true for other languages as well: Buenos dias. Boker tov. Bom dia. Guten morgen. Sabaah al-khayr. You get the point. I think it means that someone a long time ago decided that we should all wake up optimistic and start things off on the right foot (pardon the cliche). But as the day progresses, in English-speaking America we apparently lose some of this optimism after lunch and regain it again around dinner time. Maybe you’ll disagree with me, but I can’t remember the last time anyone told me “Good afternoon” in English. It just sounds formal and all, you know. So we just say ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ or ‘Hi. How are you?’ instead. But later on, the optimism magically returns! So it is with a smile that I bid you ‘Good night’ (at 7 in the morning). But no matter. Actually, I don’t see what’s wrong with wishing someone a good night when it’s not technically considered ‘night’ yet. What’s wrong with showing a little hope for the future (even if we’re only talking about a future just hours away)? I think I’ll start doing that on occasion…just to see what kind of reaction I get. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Sat. May 13, 2006
It’s raining. Again. Just another one of those dreary days where everything’s gray outside and you just feel like renting a good movie, making some hot chocolate and snuggling up on the couch to watch it. Even if your dog is the only one you have to cuddle with…and I hate to say it, but man, he really needs a mint or something! And, oh no, here he comes again. Down, bud! Billie, get down! Ok, come here then. That’s good, good boy, hey, settle down now, there you go. Whoa, wait a second, I just got a nice whiff again and man that is amazing. Better not waste it on me, bud, save it for that special someone. Anyway, the rain just keeps washing the sky outside, falling like there’s no tomorrow, and I just keep watching the film and thinking about stuff. You know, philosophical kinds of stuff. Like what’s going to happen to the planet and the human race a thousand years from now (given the planet still exists), how it would be to meet someone like Martin Luther King, Jr., or to actually come face to face with God (at least in the figurative sense), why I was born, and if we’re really on Earth in the first place or just imagining it… you know, rainy days are great like that for inspiration.

Tues. May 16, 2006
Live for each other. That’s a great phrase. If you can believe it, it was actually attached to my teabag this morning, sort of a kind of morning inspirational thing. But it got me started thinking. It’s one of those great expressions that can be interpreted in so many different ways; that’s what makes it so cool, cuz it’s got a touch of the universal. Know what I mean? It’s like, you could think of it as pertaining to couples and ‘lovebirds’, or to the fact that we all (as in all of humanity) should ‘live for each other’. And it may refer to living our lives in a way that shows our love for each other (perhaps just by living them to the fullest), or then again, maybe it’s just trying to tell us not to commit suicide. I still think it’s a cool phrase though! By the way, apparently it’s already midnight again, so I think I’m gonna head to bed. You know, it just occurred to me that that’s actually a rather appropriate expression. If you take it literally, it actually makes sense: head to bed. Unless you’re one of those who prefers sleeping standing up or something, with no need for a bed. Weird, but possible. Well, anyway, it’s time to put that phrase in action so…good night!

Thurs. May 18, 2006
Good night! See, I did it, I’ve been wanting to try out that expression again -- in an anachronistic way, of course (i.e. in the morning or the afternoon!). I really hope you’re reading this during one of those times --- that would mean that I accomplished my purpose! Cuz when you’re writing (unless you’re using instant messages or something where you have dialogue that occurs in real-time), there’s really nothing wrong with me saying ‘it’s five o’clock in the morning’ even if it’s actually seven at night when I’m writing that. It’s normal, just a kind of literary freedom, I guess. But I want you to imagine that right now, we’re actually having a real, in person conversation. So just think of the ‘good night’ in that sense. I really hope it is morning or something where you are, cuz that would make it all more fun and meaningful. Or at least more unusual, in a good kind of way.

A few hours later, Thurs. May 18, 2006
Have you ever just sat and stared blankly at something, trying to focus but completely unable to see anything clearly. It’s like you’re there, but you’re not really there. Know what I mean? That’s what just happened with me and my computer screen and it was actually pretty hard to snap out of it and get myself to start writing again. But I managed to do it! But anyway, I wanted to ask you something. Have you ever had fresh, cold (perhaps I should say chilled) snap peas? Like for snack, or something – maybe with raw carrots, tomatoes, and dip? Cuz I had them for the second time last night at my friend’s house (the first time was at an Oneg after Friday night Shabbat services) and man, were they good! I think I dominated the fresh vegetable section of the snacks available for consumption at the gathering last night. That sounds funny. Oh well, it’s true so I stand by it. Well, to make a long story short, you should try them. End of discussion. See ya later.

May 21, 2006
Hola. ¿Cómo andas? That’s Spanish for Hi, how’s it going? (well, literally it means something like “Hi, how are you walking”? and it makes sense when you say it in Argentina, though in Costa Rica people just look at you like you’re nuts!). But it’s useful info, just in case we wind up getting a second national language someday, or in case you ever go to Miami or southern California, where no one speaks English anymore. It’s weird, but you know, that way you don’t actually have to visit Mexico to get a real taste of what the Hispanic culture is like. No sir, these days Mexico just comes to you! I’m just exaggerating, no offense intended, but there is a grain of truth in that, don’t you think? Anyway, I hope you had a good night and woke up this morning feeling fresh and rested. Cuz I know I didn’t, so I’m hoping I can feed off of your energy. Haha. That’s a good one, right? Like who actually gets enough sleep anymore, it’s like an impossible dream. Except for my friend Dov, he somehow manages to get around eight hours of sleep on a regular basis. And around exam time, then seven and a half. HOW does he do it, I want to know? That’s a talent I definitely don’t have and I bet you don’t either. So we’ve gotta work on it, ok? Deal? I say we try to increase our ‘sleep intake’ gradually, say, averaging 30 more minutes a night and making these 30 minute gains every two weeks or so – until we get up to about eight hours a night on average. Confused? Me too, but c’mon, how hard can it be? I’m averaging around six and a half hours of sleep right now (around five or six during the school year), so in about six weeks (if our plan works), I should be up to eight hours a night in the summer. But how can we make the plan effective? Gosh, that’s a toughie…think I’ll sleep on it. And I know it’s early, but I’m gonna go ahead and say it: Boa noite. Buenas noches. Good night. Now you’re trilingual! Congrats. Wanna keep going? Ok, fine by me. Layla tov. Tasbuh ala’ khayr. Satisfied? Good. See ya.

May 22, 2006
You ever feel that you don’t really belong anywhere? Like you’re just a ‘speck of dust’ in a universe in which nothing really has any meaning and nothing you do really makes a difference? (that’s the philosophy of Yair, the older brother in Knafayim Shvurot, until he has an epiphany and starts to actually live again --- it’s a great movie, like I said, so go see it, why don’t you? Anyway, the point is, I find myself feeling like that a lot. And it just makes me sad and angry, I guess. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, maybe just cuz this morning I woke up feeling like that and I just started crying. That’s it, just stupid crying for no reason, when there are so many people that are going through a billion times more ‘trials and tribulations’ than I am. But sometimes, I’m just a lost cause. Know what I mean?

May 23, 2006
It’s nice out. But inside, it’s raining. Think I once heard that phrase somewhere, though I can’t remember who might have said it. Probably somebody famous though. A singer, I’ll bet. Sometimes I just think of the randomest things. “Randomest”? Where’d I come up with that one? It’s like, when you start getting really into other languages and all, your brain decides to play games with you and you start ‘forgetting’ some basic stuff about your ‘mother tongue’. It’s a riot, I know, to the big man upstairs, but honestly, I don’t find it very funny. You hear me? Not funny! I’m really crazy sometimes, I really am. But don’t be alarmed, I promise I’m harmless…for now . Ok, now I’m beginning to scare myself. So let’s move on, shall we?

May 24, 2006
Hey. I almost forgot to mention one more thing that just makes me sad every time I think about it. I went to karate training yesterday and I was just getting dressed like usual, listening to the conversations going on around me, and I heard my friend Vickie say to another woman: “Have a good workout.” And it made me so sad, I can’t even explain. But I’ll try to put it in context for you. You know those people who work long hours every day, same old job, lousy hours, bad pay, not many perks, practically no vacation time, and little or no opportunity for advancement? Well, Vickie, who works in the women’s locker room, has a job like that. Sure, it’s cool that she gets to talk to lots of different people (and let me tell you, she’s really good at that, a real sweet lady), but when it comes down to it, this one only wants her towel washed and that one just wants to say a few words to get revved up for her workout and so on and so forth. I do acknowledge that there are some who honestly enjoy having good conversations, but many people just put on these superficial smiles, say a few superficial friendly words (generic social phrases 101, anybody?), and waltz on out of there to do what ever it is that they came to do. And every time, good ole’ Vickie wishes them a ‘good workout’ and all. While she herself hardly ever gets the opportunity. And the worst part is that I know she would enjoy it. Maybe I should suggest that to the management. I mean, the idea that in addition to lunch break and all, all full-time Recreational employees should get another hour that’s designated as an official “Workout break”. Just cuz you know they’ve earned a good workout more than any of us. And for God’s sake, when you smile at someone, you should mean it. At least 99.9% of the time. I mean, c’mon, a smile means friendship, solidarity, hope, happiness, respect, and even love. And what good are these things if they’re superficial? Answer: no good! So just smile and be honest, why don’t you?

Sorry for the verbal onslaught, I just got on a roll. Anyway, I’ll be in touch. Take care.

Aaaaah, bad weather alert! Let’s listen in, shall we, as our friendly local weatherman explains it all and tries not to look nervous while doing so. Not as easy as it looks. But anyway, here he is: Should a tornado warning arise, be prepared to take shelter on the lowest floor possible of your home or other four-walled enclosure, away from windows, preferably under a heavy piece of furniture, and be sure to cover your head. Then pray like crazy. This just in: If you live in a mobile home, basically you’re screwed. My apologies. Please stay with us as we keep you updated on any new developments with respect to the storm system that’s passing through. Wait a second, it appears… Hey, well, now the screen just says ‘STATION DIFFICULTIES’ in big bold letters. Now doesn’t that give you a nice, warm feeling inside?

June 1, 2006
So much to do, and I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything. It’s like I’m paralyzed before I’ve even started to fight. You know what I mean? Hey, if you’re a good reader, maybe you could help me read some of the many interesting and exciting works that grace the countless pages of the list. You know, the LIST (of doom). I hope I don’t sound sarcastic because in this case, that would be an understatement. I should probably mention that it’s all in Spanish, though, so it might help to know a little of the lengua. But then again, when you’re desperate, you’re desperate. So how bout it? Sorry, you know I’m just playin’ with ya. Unless you were thinking about doing it for real, cuz in that case, my books are your books. Man, that was cheesy. Actually, I’ve been wondering how these expressions originated in the first place. I mean, who decided that stuff that’s not so cool (or that’s kind of stupid) could be described as “cheesy” or “corny”? What’s wrong with cheese or corn, for that matter? Why is being “corny” a bad thing? I mean, corn is a major food source for a great deal of humanity (including me!), so I think being “corny” should be a good thing. Hey, but maybe the “cheesy” one makes sense, now that I think about it. At least if you think of something that’s “cheesy” as being ‘over the top’, you know, too much of a good thing. Cuz a pizza with too much cheese also lends itself to being too much of a good thing. I mean, if the pizza’s too cheesy, it’s just gross. Grease dripping everywhere and big mounds of cheese that make the poor pizza grossly overweight, kind of like the majority of American society… and kind of scary, actually. But I think we must all be embarrassed to be scared of just a little bit of excess cheese, so we started saying (in a sarcastic, disinterested tone, of course): that’s just cheesy or that’s cheesy. And that’s how it all started. Hey, it’s possible.

“A New Day Rising” (the next major hit Indie song!...haha, a little self confidence never hurt anyone =)

As I wander slowly
Wondering when will come
The new day rising
All I know is all I have to give.

And dreams that swell within me
Emptiness inside
Surrounds a tired heart
And upturned eyes search for meaning.

(Chorus)
And why do I never seem
To find a way to hide
All these feelings revolving inside and I
Know I’ll never be the same as tomorrow
A new day rising.

Seeing, feeling, dreaming, time
Passes by silently
Never ending dreams of yesterday.
And tomorrows newly forming
Outside, the rain falls silently
Clouds of black inside my head.

(Chorus)

Keep rising the sun
Onwards to touch the sky
Memories and dreams
Etched in silver in your eyes.
And your eyes never leave me
Without a sense of hope
A new day rising.

I close my eyes and feel you near me.
I open my heart and you're with me.

"Where does the time go?"

Where does the time go? Rather, could it be that time is more like a river that flows on endlessly, forever trapped between the dawn and the sunset, never really here but yet never really gone either? It’s almost like the concept of space: ever-present but constantly changing, constantly evolving in its endless journey towards a destination unknown. And what about the idea of black holes, those unique space-time entities from which nothing (not even light) can escape? And can time actually evolve? How many “times” might exist at this very moment? According to Octavio Paz and others, in addition to the standard “time”, there exists a personal and/or subjective time, a time in which the normal laws governing time (rather, those laws generally accepted by the postmodern human society of the 21st century) cease to exist, a time in which one second can last for an eternity, a time uniquely shaped by the original experience of each individual. And what do we call the countless treasure holds of time that exist within our own collection of memories? Is this really time, or merely an echo of the passage of time? And with the advent of TiVo, it’s not too difficult to imagine a similar situation with respect to the real world, not just the world of television. I mean, if we can play back live events just milliseconds after they’ve happened, if everything that happens becomes recorded as past history almost instantaneously, doesn’t it just make you wonder when we’ll be able to “rewind” history (if just for a few minutes) to actually replay the recent birth of our first child or the first time we had mint chocolate chip ice cream. Then we can jump back into the normal stream of time and rejoin the rest of society, whose lives (as well as our own) are continuing to be played out in real-time.

Note: This was written in September 2005 and thus before the release of Adam Sandler’s movie Click.

"Another Day"

Silence. Laughter brea ks the Si lenc e. Empty sound. Falling. Rising,
e x p a n d i n g within. EXPLOSION. Br o ke n la u ght er. Meaningless thoughts.
Empty thoughts. Glazed emotions. Grief rising. Rising. hOt. Angry. grief. Empty
laughter. B ro ken s o un d. Pain. Silence. Another day.
Tears Laughter Death Lingering Shadows Empty Silence...

Tell me...

Tell me...
have you seen the way the
sun slides
s l o w l y
down
the
water
f
a
ll
of endless sky...

or does the sky rise up
to hold her
g e n t l y
with the soft blanket of night?

Broken Hopes

broken hopes
s c a tt e r ed
in the night.

SILENCE



heartbeats fade away
into e m p t y space

Open Empty Spaces

Open empty spaces
calling out for words
a sound to fill
the angry void
inside me...

Angry, yet sad;
lonely, forgotten
heartbeats
POUND the silence.

Thoughts
swirling round
frozen edges of
old dreams and
icy, br oke n
frag ments
of love and hope
surrounded by

burning

frustration.

Dying in silence
my heart cries
out

to no one...

Some old poetry from 2003-2005

"The Yellow Wall"

A yellow wall
blinks stony eyes
and smiles in red
crayon markings
at a lone face
and row of chairs.
A dirty yellow,
like leftover sun-
smeared clumps of
pasty tapioca dreams
s p l a t te r e d
on a wall.
A nauseous wall.
The yellow wall.


"Any Given Sunday"

Watching the endless swarms of people
rising early for Sunday salvation,
I wonder if the sleepy children even
begin to comprehend the truth hidden
beneath so many towering steeples

Reaching upwards towards a Heaven
unseen, unheard, yet ever present
in the hearts and minds of those who know.
The wise, the aged, the rather decrepit
followers of the good faith, though

Some believe the stairway to Heaven steep
and a bit long. An endless path to nowhere
we'll ever see, unless constant pressure
from holy sin brings down divine barriers --
so others might know Heaven through our eternal sleep.


"Imitation of Robert Frost"

The rain has just now ceased to fall
From high above the blue jays call
And I sleep soundly in my bed
As misty morning covers all.

The blue jays call; the sky blooms red
But I sleep soundly in my bed
As golden morning blossoms round
And spring emerges overhead.

The blue jays call o'er golden ground
But I, alas, hear not a sound
For in my bed, asleep, I lay
Me down, alas, hear not a sound.

The blue jays call as if to say
But why stay you in bed today
While red and golden is the day?
Asleep, alas, I cannot say!

-------------------------------

Sparkling water tastes
the fluffy marshmallow sky --
The bay bridge glistens.

-------------------------------

"Una gota de agua"

En una gota de agua
que se
d e s
l i
z a
l e n t e m e n t e
por la mejilla izquierda,
una
ETERNIDAD
de pena.

:
"A drop of water"

In one drop of water
that
s
l
i
p
s
s l o w l y
down the left cheek,
one
ETERNITY
of pain.
------------------------------

"Nosotros, los fantasmas"
(without proper accents etc. because apparently the system couldn't handle pasting this from Word...grrrrr!)

Quienes somos nosotros, los fantasmas, que
Habitamos en esta esfera solitaria?
Quienes eramos antes, quienes seremos
Despues de haberse acabado esta penosa
Procesion de dias, memorias y todo lo
Que suele llamarse la vida? Moriremos
Como nacimos: pequenos, frios, rodeados
Por dudas, temores y cuestiones. Todo se
Acaba en la muerte, aunque sea la nuestra o
La del mundo exterior. Sera la muerte asi
Como una vista del infinito, un nino
Perpetuo que juega, rie, llora y nos abraza?

:
"We, the Ghosts"

Who are we, the Ghosts, who
Inhabit this solitary sphere?
Who were we before, who will we be
After having ended this painful
Procession of days, memories, and all
That usually constitutes life. We will die
As we were born: small, cold, surrounded
By doubts, fears, and questions. Everything
Ends in death, whether ours or
That of the outside world. Will death thus
Resemble a view of the infinite, a perpetual
Child that plays, laughs, cries, and embraces us?